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“Pushy” Parent – To be or not to be?

by FAMILY talk

Throughout her career as a primary teacher Kate Edwards, a Leeds mum, came across many parents who encouraged their children in their academia, either to achieve Level 5/6 in their SATS, to move up to a higher reading book level, to be the fastest at Sports Day and so forth. Some have been subtle, some blatant. Some have used praise, others reward to help their children to achieve the desired targets. Here she gives us her views on “pushy” parenting.

 

I think it would be fair to say that the most commonly used term for these parents is ‘pushy’. We are surrounded by stories of parents ‘pushing’ their children from very young ages to achieve and succeed.  Perhaps to encourage their children to follow in their own footsteps or, conversely, to make up for unfulfilled dreams and ambitions of their own.  A quick google search throws up pages of articles and forums and, as a generalisation, the term ‘pushy parent’ denotes negativity – Violet Beauregard and her mother were both equally vile in their attitudes and general demeanour. Violet’s mother was ‘pushy’.  Nevertheless you can’t deny that Violet Beauregard was a champion. A winner.  The best.  Albeit at chewing gum.

So I got to thinking.

Do children need a gentle push? Are children innately designed to ‘just get by’? To work to a basic level or to produce work of an average standard? Is it our jobs as parents to steer them in the right direction? To help them strive for or desire a higher level of thinking and achieving? To set them up for success?  And if so, can we do that without being ‘pushy’?

I couldn’t help but wonder – Is being ‘pushy’ a good thing after all?

As a teacher before being a mum, I used to believe that children worked so hard in school that home should be their time and that homework seemed harsh and unnecessary.   I used to feel sorry for children picked for booster classes during lunchtimes or after school, either to support them one to one or to push them on and challenge them further. I used to think that, if I were their mum, I would be saying “thank you but no” to such offers, instead insisting it was far more important that they spend their lunchtimes playing with friends and being happy socially.

I still do think that. To a certain extent.

Then after returning to work after maternity leave, I met a little girl.  In Year 1.   Every day, she came to school proudly holding a little book.  In this book were rows of letters, neatly formed and copied by herself.  Rows of numbers, equally neatly and accurately formed.  She had written her own little sentences based on the spelling words of the week provided by the school.  There were addition and subtraction calculations.  The book was labelled with her name and she had decorated the front cover.  The book had come from home.  From her mummy.  She was proud as punch to show me.  And she absolutely loved it, loved learning – with her mummy at home.  In addition to what she was already learning at school.  She was a sponge and her mummy, it seemed to me, was making the most of the opportunity.  Surely this little girl too will be a winner? The best?

Then I got to thinking – why aim to win? To be the best? Isn’t to be happy better than to be successful? Or can you be both?

Here is what I think.

1) Happiness

2) Success

In that order.  However I want my children to feel they have truly worked for both. And that the work they have put in means they deserve both.

With high expectations comes better quality. With better quality comes higher praise.  With higher praise comes more desire to achieve. With higher achievements comes more choice. And it is, I believe, choice that opens doors to happiness and success.

Is that pushy? Who knows. Perhaps I’ll forget labels and do what I feel is best.

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About The Author

Kate Edwards

Kate Edwards is a primary teacher of 16 years turned childminder currently educating, inspiring and generally having a ball with her own 3 year old daughter plus an adorable collection of other 2, 3 and 4 year olds! She has lived and taught in London prior to moving to Leeds and worked as literacy coordinator, tasked with raising the profile and enjoyment of reading and writing. She lives with her fiance, 3 daughters and cavapoo in Horsforth where she writes in her spare time for Mummy Pages and has contributed to Families Magazine. She has just self-published her first children's picture book, 'Nana, how old is the Sea?' She loves jiving, yoga and prosecco, although she hasn't tried them all at once!

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